To be 'Spontaneous?
by Don'tKnowWhatToSay
Summary: Remus is trying to tell Sirius how he's feeling, but he can't seem to find the words. Sirius/Remus : Read and Review :D
1. Chapter 1

Sirius Black. There he is. Oh God, there he is! Mother of a Goblin, he's on his way! The mere sight of him made my heart race, and I knew that the blood was rushing to my cheeks. My mind wandered on one of its eternal journeys, thinking of what would happen when I walked up to Sirius and confessed my ever-so-cheesy feelings. He'd take my hand and tell me that he had known all along. That he felt the same. Absolutely.

He's on his way! Damn it, he's so bloody good looking. Confident and charming as always.

There he is, there he is, he's… gone? _What?_ That wasn't a part of my great plan. I stared nervously at his back, waiting for him to turn around and remember he had to talk to me, Remus Lupin, his best friend. And at last, he finally did turn around and waved at me with a satisfied grin.

"Hi Moony!" he shouted. All the words that I had been practising vanished like thin air.

"Hi Pads!"

He didn't stop to talk anyway. I noticed that James and Peter joined him, and that they continued their walk towards the common room. I felt betrayed. Not that I really had anything to say to him, but he could at least _look_ like he had time to talk. Then again, he was probably counting on me to catch up with them later at our dorm.

I began walking again, but not towards the place where I knew my friends would be.

I quickened my pace and, in the end, began running. It felt good. I sped up and aimed for the huge doors that led outside, stubbornly ignoring the curiously looking students who couldn't keep their way too long (almost Snape-looking) noses to themselves.

Something in my nature, I suppose it had to do with the small 'werewolf' issue, caused a certain love for running. Whenever I had to get away and be on my own, I'd run. Or go to the library, of course.

I followed my usual path, past the trees and alarmingly close to the border of the Forbidden Forest..

I shook my head as I ran towards the Lake.

As I finally reached its shores, I noticed that I was breathing heavily. I bit my lower lip and sat down in the spring-green grass. No tears revealed my feelings, but I felt them stacking up and flooding over inside of me like a great sea contained inside a small aquarium.

A twig snapped behind me, and I let out a small shriek before I got on my feet in a hurry. I didn't feel any need to raise my wand as I noticed the person approaching me.

"Hey, Lily!" I waved at her and sat down again, still feeling my heart racing dramatically. Lily Evans hastily walked the last few feet to eliminate the distance between us.

"Hi there, Remus," Lily replied cheerfully.

"How's it going?" she asked me with a peaceful smile. I smoothly avoided her question by asking her to sit down, and so she did.

"How's it going?" she repeated without any trace of impatience, and I sighed.

"Nothing's going at the moment," I replied. She grunted and looked at me.

"No progress or whatsoever?"

I looked at her in surprise, my facial expression describing a question mark. She glanced at me silently.

"No progress?" I asked her nervously and frowned. Naturally, Lily had been around us a lot during the past few months, and she was definitely not dumb. But could I really be that easy to figure out?

To my relief, Lily Evans shrugged and pulled a hand through her flamingly red hair.

"I don't know, you're clearly having some sort of problem, Remus. It's kinda obvious."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I think," Lily began after a short moment of silence, "that Remus Lupin is in love. Either that, or he's finally found some unsolveable mystery and is now tearing himself apart to find the answer. Or perhaps you've just gone mad."

I screwed up my eyes and frowned. Who was she to make such assumptions, no matter how true they'd turn out to be? What gave her the right to come here and.. try to help me. I sighed defeatedly.

"Lily, no offense, but I'd really rather not talk about it. It's personal, and it's-"

"Obvious," Lily finished my sentence, however not with the word I was thinking of myself. I felt annoyed as I studied her confident face. There was no doubt in her eyes. She reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled it closer to my chest. She looked hurt for a moment, but she decided to let it go.

"Remus, Remus, I think I know the solution." she said and glanced over the calm waters of the Lake.

She got on her feet and waved goodbye before she ran back towards the huge outlines of the castle that would be Hogwarts. Once again, I frowned.

Lily's 'solutions' were known between the four of us, The Marauders; James, Sirius, Peter and I, for being almost as horrible as Peters 'ideas'. This definitely meant trouble.

I was still sitting by the Lake an hour later. The huge oaks behind me were blocking the most of the sun, creating a dark, cool shadow; the perfect spot for relaxation.

I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn't bother to turn around, thinking that Lily had finally returned with her 'solution'. Something large hit the ground next to me. I turned my head and did actually face the 'solution'. But it was not what I had expected; actually I realised that I felt some sort of happiness. James was sitting there silently, waiting for me to speak to him. I, however, didn't.

"Lily sent me," he said slowly. I nodded.

"I know," I replied in a depressed tone, wondering where this would go.

"She thinks that you need to talk," James Potter continued while rubbing his right arm with his left hand.

Oh boy, was she right. Something deep inside of me felt.. what? Gratitude, I believe. For once, I was happy that Lily had reacted. James did always listen when you needed him to (when he wasn't busy with one of his famous pranks), and he never judged. Even when I told him and the rest of the Marauders about my.. situation, being a werewolf and all, he had only snorted and replied that 'werewolves would be nothing compared to Sirius's mother', causing the rest of us to laugh and make jokes about the Blacks for the rest of the evening. Later, my three best friend had been teaching themselves the art of transforming into animals, each of them becoming an Animagus.

"I.. uh.." I began, not knowing exactly what to say.

"You.. uh?" James smiled, and I felt my mind lighten up a bit.

"I.. well, erh.."

"Am I to experience the great Remus Lupin.. speechless? Just wait 'till I tell Sirius that-" I felt my facial expression change by the sound of _his_ name, and before I could do anything about it, James noticed too. He stopped talking, and instead he looked at his hands.  
"Oh.." he mumbled as he realised what was going on, and I buried my face in my robes. I had no clue what to do, and neither had James. But suddenly I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Prongs, he'll hate me. He'll be disgusted, won't he?" I asked in a pitchy voice.

. I didn't look at James' face, but I was sure that he was using every inch of his brain to come up with a good answer.  
"I don't really.. know.. you know.. he might.. you know, know," he babbled, and I couldn't help but wonder what went through his mind.

"It's alright, Prongs, don't worry about it. I'll live. He's just so.. handsome and funny. Always cheers me up. But I'll be okay," I whispered and smiled bravely. I ignored the continuous stabbing in my heart as I lied to James, but I believe that he already saw through me.  
"Love sucks, doesn't it?" he mumbled. I nodded.

"I'm not even sure if I love him, maybe I'm just exaggerating," I suggested and looked at James.

"Moony, are you crying?" James asked, terrified. The conversation had turned rather quickly, and he was unprepared. I wrinkled my forehead and wiped away a tear on my cheek.

"Apparently.."

The silence was like a blanket or a pillow: silently trying to choke me. I had to say something. But James beat me to it.  
"Tell him," was all he said, but I knew that he ment it. I nodded and got on my feet. I felt a need to let James know how nice it was to have such a friend, and all of a sudden I realised that he hadn't even flinched when I confessed my love for another guy. I _was_ in love with another guy. How could James be so cool? When I myself was disgusted, horrified and scared at the same time?  
"Do you know how alone I feel sometimes?" I asked and sat back down in the grass. He put his arm around my shoulders and shook his head with a smirk.

"Nope."

"Well, being a werewolf is not a great way of making friends. And if I'd turn out to be.." I shivered slightly, "gay, I don't imagine any converations in my future. 'Hi, I'm Remus Lupin, and I'm a homosexual werewolf."

James let go of my shoulder to wrap his arms tightly around his stomach while laughing. I wrinkled my forehead and wondered why he'd find it so funny.

"I don't know, perhaps they have support groups, Moony. Y'know, like 'Single Moms' or whatever," he giggled when he was finally able to control his laughter. I quickly got on my feet. How stupid was I, thinking that James of all people would know what I was dealing with.. every day of my life? Nobody did.

"I have to get back. Thanks for talking, Prongs," I mumbled and hastily turned around to run towards Hogwarts, ignoring the vague protests of James Potter.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sirius Black, Sirius Black, Sirius is a man I'd like to sha.." my song was interrupted by a sudden knocking on the bathroom door.  
"Moony, would you keep it quiet in there! Some of us are actually trying to fulfill some more appropriate actions out here, like studying! You should try it!" James shouted through the door, and I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks. I imagined the confident smirk on his face as he went back to his books, and I unwillingly smiled. I turned off the hot water and left the bathroom a few minutes later. With a towel around my waist, I entered our dorm and my jaw dropped. Sirius was sitting on his bed, his hair all tousled and his clothes soaking wet. The thought of how long he had been sitting there crossed my mind, but I received a calming 'he-just-entered' glance from James. My eyes wandered back to Sirius.

"You're all wet," I said.

"Back at ya," Sirius answered with an amused look in his eyes.  
"Yes, but I've been showering, and you haven't."

"Thanks for making me realise that, Moony," Sirius replied and looked at the towel around my waist. I blushed and looked away.

"Well," Sirius smiled triumphantly, "If you really want to know, I've been diving in the Lake. James owes me 10 Galleons for that! And I _ do_ have witnesses, Peter was there!" While telling the last part, Sirius beamed with victory and stuck his tongue out in the direction of James.

I rolled my eyes at Sirius and went to my own bed, searching for my trunk and finding it as I bumped my foot against it.  
"Ouch!" I shouted, and in a matter of seconds, Sirius was standing next to me.

"You're alright?" he asked with a worried look in his amazing eyes. I blushed as I realised how close to me he was, and I gently shoved him away.

"If you don't mind, I need to get dressed," I mumbled, and he laughed. His cheery, grey eyes looked at me for a long moment, and I felt as if they burned through my skin. Oh dear, he was stunningly good looking. He was tall, slightly taller than I, and his shoulder-long, black hair was, even though it was tousled and wet, looking just as fantastic as always. And those eyes..

I shook my body and pulled a sweater over my head, wondering where I had left my pants. During one of my many glances at Sirius, I all of a sudden noticed that he was wearing some freshly ironed brown pants. My pants.

"Hey, what the hell, dude!" I shouted and pointed maniacally at my pants. Sirius grinned at me and shrugged. "I needed some dry clothes. You know how hard it is for me, getting used to the fact that my clothes actually don't wash themselves! And yours.. they actually fit perfectly!"

I sighed heavily and sat down on my bed, receiving and smug smile from James. I made a rude gesture towards him, and he frowned.

"Moony, behave! Prefects are supposed to be great examples!" he laughed.

"James," I said, "I need to borrow your pants."

"Nooo no no," Sirius shouted, jumping eagerly up and down like an attention-craving puppy.  
"Do not fear, Moony, as I will unpant myself to save you from the embarrasment of being seen in James's clothes!" Sirius shouted and smiled charmingly at me, showing off his white teeth.

I looked at at him in surprise.

"You will _what_?" I asked, but he didn't reply. He just quickly unzipped his.. or my... pants and stepped out of them. I noticed how muscular his legs were. He was fit.. and tan, and tall and wonderful.

"What are you gaping at? Just because you're pale as a snowball, Peter!" Sirius laughed towards the surprised Peter Pettigrew.

I quickly grabbed my pants and got dressed, thinking about the fact that I was wearing Sirius Black's clothes! Well, technically my clothes, but they definitely had his scent. My werewolf-nose confirmed this.

"Right.." I mumbled, "I need to study! So if anybody should be needing me, I will be in the library!"

I noticed a glimpse of sadness in the eyes of my crush, and I wondered what the reaosn for this could be. I actually felt terrible for leaving him there, but I couldn't handle being around those gorgeous eyes and soft lips for even a minute longer. And if there was one place in all of Hogwarts that Sirius Black would not visit, it would be the library.

I quickly grabbed all of my books and went towards the stairs that would lead to the common room. All the way to the door, I felt Sirius staring at my back, and it sent a chilling yet welcome feeling down my spine.

AsI returned to the dorm later that night, because Madam Pince had literally thrown me out of her precious library before locking it up, I noticed that both James and Peter were sleeping. Sirius, however, was sitting on his bed, playing with a small piece of paper. I looked curiously at him. He smiled at me, that handsome, white smile that attracted any female whom would happen to be in the same room as him. The same smile that even I could not resist, and I felt drawn towards him.

"A love letter," he explained, mistakening my interest in him for interest in the letter.

"From who?" I asked, feeling a cold hand grasping my stomach. I was most likely about to be told that Sirius had a secret girlfriend and that I, Remus Lupin, was nothing but a friend.

"I don't know, someone named Isabella Hillingstone."

I exhaled and realised that I had been holding my breath. Sirious studied my face.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

_No, I'm not_, I thought. My mind wandered back to the conversation with James. _Tell him_.

"Yeah.." _What?_ This was not what I had meant to say, but my tongue was apparently living it's own life. Sirius smiled, reassured, and I knew that I had destroyed my chances of revealing my feelings. At least for tonight.  
Sirius tossed the small piece of paper into the air and decided to set it on fire with the tip of his wand.

"_Sirius!_" I shouted. Being a Prefect, it was in my instincts to react on any kind of violation of the rules. Sirius grinned at me and threw himself on his bed. I glared angrily at him, but the relaxed look on his face made me forget my reason, and I just felt like hugging him into oblivion. I stepped a bit closer and, as he didn't seem to mind, sat down on his bed.

"Moony, what-"

"I need to tell you something," I interrupted him.

"I uhm.." I began, listening to the sound of my heart pounding against my ribs. How come he didn't hear it too?

He looked at me with curious eyes, and he reached out for my arm. I felt his hand through the sweater, and it made me forget what I wanted to say.  
"Sirius, I.."

"I hate when you call me Sirius, it always sounds so.. well, serious," he laughed. Did he not have any clue how hard this was for me?

"But then, after all, I _am_ seriously Sirius, I suppose," he continued smugly.

I put my finger on his lip (God, they were soft) and felt his breath. His eyes widened a bit. His black, silky hair was framing his face perfectly, and I would have given anything for this moment to last.

"Sirius, I need you to listen to me. You're fantastic."

I heard him laugh and saw the confident smile spread across his lips.

"Of course I am, but did you really keep me up untill now to tell me just that?" he asked.

I looked at him, confused.  
"I didn't keep you up, I just-"

"I know, Moony, but that's what you do. You 'just'. You _'just'_ keep me up 'till half past shit in the morning because I'm thinking of you, you '_just_' make me unable to eat and you _'just'_ make me feel like I'm walking in a permanent, pink fog. And I have no clue why you make me feel this way, but I sure as hell don't mind it. But you also _'just'_ think of what _could_ happen if you did this and that. Be spontaneous!"

I looked at Sirius, the most beautiful teenage boy I had ever seen, and my jaw dropped as I replayed the words in my head and realisation struck.

Sirius sat up in his bed, and I noticed that I still had my finger on his lip. I pulled my hand back and looked nervously into Sirius's eyes. He leaned slightly forward and placed a hand on each side of my head, and i gasped.

"You think too much, Moony. Stop 'just'ing and start doing something about it!" he whispered softly and looked at me. I didn't know what to say, desperately thinking of a proper way to reply.

Sirius sighed.

"See, that's the thing, Moony! Here I am, telling you how I feel, giving you the opportunity to tell me the same, and you start thinking! Just kiss me, for the love of God!" he snorted. And I leaned forward, wondering where this would go. His lips, experienced and determinded, met mine, unexperienced and nervous. And even though I felt like I was probably the worst at kissing in the whole world, this was the best I had ever felt. Sirius made me feel whole and happy. I leaned back, interrupting the connection between us, and I noticed that Sirius was smiling. He had realised that I was heading towards my own bed before I did myself.

"Goodnight, Moony," he chuckled.

"Goodnight, Sirius," I replied. I felt something soft hit the back of my head; a pillow.

"_Stop_ calling me that! I'm _Padfoot!_"


End file.
